The Various Supah Powahs of One Severus Snape
by lunakatrina
Summary: Answers the time honored question: What would happen if Snape fell into a vat of toxic waste? Just in case anyone was wondering...total crack, ignores HBP
1. Chapter 1

This is the result of a typo and overactive imaginations...this story is equal parts my idea and timydamonkey's idea (she also betaed for me, timydamonkey: teh talented), and might I just say it would be very scary if one person could come up with this idea on their own. Anyway...I suppose I should apologize here, but I'm not gonna because this like way better than sliced bread.

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Harry Potter because then everyone on the planet would be reading _this_...however, they aren't so I clearly have no claim to the Harry Potter series.

**The Various Supah Powahs of One Severus Snape **

It was a very sad day for all of Britain when Severus Snape fell into a vat of toxic waste.

…And survived.

Luckily for him, the level of radioactivity was not fatal, so he was able to continue living his life with only the small worry that he might develop fatal cancer before being killed by Voldemort… for his duplicity.

Fortunately, the odds of this happening were very small, so Snape was able to return his life as Hogwarts' hated greasy used-car-salesman-esque Professor with very little worry of dying of a horrible incurable disease.

And so Snape's life remained normal; he terrorized first years—except that one small first year Hufflepuff that had mysteriously disappeared - and he goaded Harry Potter and Co, and went on missions for Dumbledore… and/or Voldemort.

All was well until one night Snape's nose began tingling.

And it was not for reasons that all of you are thinking; nay, I say to you! Snape had not been sniffing crushed chili peppers _again_!

Snape sat up in his bed and knew something was amiss.

For verily, something _was_ amiss.

Snape sniffed once, his powerful, mighty nostrils flaring, and knew that what he smelled could only be attributed to one thing:

The tea had been left out.

Snape rushed from his bed to clean the mess up quickly, and once that minor crisis was averted, a new smell reached Snape's nose:

It could not be! But yes! It was!

Mildew… in the bathroom.

Snape quickly grabbed an alcohol based cleaning product and a rag and quickly went to the bathroom to clean the mildew his powerful nose could smell.

Soon, Snape was cleaning every dirty thing in his rooms, for his nose compelled it.

* * *

It was only a matter of time before Snape's room was so clean that outside stenches began to seep under the bottom of the door and infiltrate Snape's clean, unscented rooms.

And so, Snape, armed with only his wand, a feather duster, and a mop, declared war on the dirty, sticky halls of Hogwarts.

Every night, after giving detentions to various horny teens, Snape would spray disinfectant and scrub and dust every room in Hogwarts — and every night, Snape won his war room by room, and battle by battle.

But there was no rest for the weary; there was no way for Snape to truly clean Hogwarts and have it remain clean. Nay, I say to you, for each room Snape toiled long and hard to clean, there were eight students who placed more dirt, more stenches for Snape's mighty nose to detect.

Every morning after a long, hard night of cleaning, Snape would slink back to his clean room and sleep restlessly for a few hours, his nose tingling with the stench of unclean messes.

And every night, without fail, Snape came forth from his lair to do battle, to fight to make the world a cleaner, better smelling place.

Like the fight between good and evil, Snape's battle raged on with no clear end in sight.

* * *

While Snape was cleaning and disinfecting, the fight between good and evil raged on.

Voldemort and Dumbledore each were looking for a way to off the other, and Dumbledore was in need of information on Voldemort's doings, while Voldemort needed information on Dumbledore's doings.

Now, though it might seem like the two have a lot in common, this was actually not the case.

Which brings us back to Severus Snape and his amazing nose…

Now, since both Dumbledore and Voldemort have the same interest in finding out about one another, it would only make sense that they have someone to do the finding out, and it would only be economical to have one person doing the finding out, because in all honesty, it's the same effin' job.

Now Snape happens to the perfect person for this job because as everyone knows… or now knows, Snape is a master of multiplication. No, the real reason he became so good at math was not because he studied a lot. Nay, I say to you! It's because he's a spy! And spies are masters at duplicity — here we will see Snape and his multiplication skills at work...

"Ah! Severus, there you are!" Dumbledore greeted Snape brightly.

Snape fought the urge to keep from grooming Dumbledore's beard, and dusting Dumbledore's many books. Snape's fearsome nose twitched under the assault of dust and old book smell… _tonight_, Snape told his nose, _this place will be as clean as a muggle operating room._

Snape often read medical journals in order to learn the latest about disinfectant methods.

Some days, like today, Snape considered inventing an air freshener that conveniently hovered invisibly over people's heads and used itself when necessary... in the case of mess to the surrounding area, there would be bonus points if said air freshener managed to utterly drench the culprit... with acid!

Or soap. Whichever.

"Severus," Dumbledore began as he settled into his desk, which no doubt was responsible for the strange, old lemony smell of the room. Knowing Dumbledore, centuries of lemon sherbets had been lost in that desk and Snape knew the only way to be rid of the smell was a good, long alcohol soak. "Voldemort is on the move. I need you to infiltrate his headquarters and report back to me with any information."

Now Snape knew that Voldemort was not, in fact, on the move. He had been in the same headquarters for nearly a year, which meant that it would have an awful reek of dead bodies, old blood, and Voldemort's own scent: newborn baby and milk.

Snape should probably bring an excess amount of odor killer, along with twice the amount of disinfectant and alcohol.

"Of course, Albus, I'll go immediately, after procuring some supplies," Snape replied tersely, his nostrils flaring once more.

Snape turned and left Dumbledore's office, his robes billowing out behind him.

Tonight, Voldemort's headquarters would know Snape's wrath. Those damned odor-causing bacteria wouldn't know what hit them.

* * *

Snape had been wandering about Voldemort's headquarters for about an hour and a half. He'd managed to evade capture twice, and come out of each encounter clean and unscented. Unfortunately, this meant his opponents hadn't fared so well, so he had been forced to clean and disinfect both Wormtail and Nagini.

Highly unpleasant moments…

Snape quickly swiped his feather duster over a de-scented corpse, and then sniffed once.

There was someone nearby… and they wore a foul-smelling cologne. Snape first reached for his odor-eater, and then realized he wouldn't be able to rid the world of rancid smells if he were dead, and instead whipped out his wand.

The odor became stronger and Snape called out into the darkness: "Who are you? Announce yourself immediately!"

Here is where we see just how duplicitous Snape really is, now pay close attention:

Snapes stepped out of the shadows — The duplicity!

"We're you."


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks to everyone who reviewed!

Let me see, Filtch!Snape and most of what's written about him along with a couple of other things this chapter, I'm sure can be attributed to my lovely beta: timydamonkey

**Chapter 2**

Snape dropped his wand in horror.

…and armed himself with his odor eater.

"If you were really me," Snape replied, "you wouldn't wear that awful cologne."

Snape shared an exasperated look with Snape and then the two of them turned to Snape and replied, "It's not cologne."

Snape passed out.

* * *

When Snape woke up, he was immediately faced with the disgusting odor of the yellow teeth of Snape.

Snape resolved to brush and whiten his teeth several times a day. His mouth was in quite a state of disrepair perhaps, Snape thought while reaching for his bottle of rubbing alcohol; he could just clean it up a _little_.

However, Snape's face retreated, and Snape offered his hand, which was clean and smelled quite pleasantly like lemons.

Snape took Snape's hand and was pulled to his feet, his brain still slightly fuzzy from his moments spent unconscious.

Snape found himself looking between Snape and Snape.

"Snape," Snape began. "This is a horrible situation—"

"I agree entirely," Snape replied. "I've been neglecting my own personal hygiene while cleaning. I have become that which I hate most!"

"Black?" Snape asked, confused, sharing a look with Snape who also looked confused.

"No," Snape barked. "Unclean, smelly... no wonder my nose has been tingling so!"

"Yes!" Snape exclaimed. "My nose has been tingling as well! Perhaps tending to my own personal hygiene shall lessen it!"

"No!" Snape interrupted. "I have something to tell myself! It is of the utmost importance, us!"

Snape raised one eyebrow and stared at Snape like he was crazy, for verily, it was a distinct possibility. Snape shook his head and told Snape, "You'll just have to excuse him. He insists that we all are the same Snape."

"I have been speaking with myself," Snape declared to Snape and Snape, "and I have reason to believe," Snape told Snape, "that our nose has become radioactive."

"Radioactive?" Snape demanded, while Snape asked, "_Our_ nose?"

Snape quickly looked both ways before replying secretively, "You are aware that duplicity has two meanings."

"What Snape is trying to say," Snape told Snape, with a withering glance to Snape, "is that there are more Snapes than us three."

"More?" Snape demanded, looking horrified at the thought of many smelly, unclean Snapes wandering the planet spreading their funk-defied stank everywhere.

"Yes, there are many, many more Snapes wandering about," Snape replied. "We're all living out our dreams since we aren't all required at the school… though some Snapes have remained at Hogwarts."

"How have they remained at Hogwarts?" Snape demanded. "Surely I would have noticed."

* * *

Snape was caught off guard; he pulled his hands up wielding a cleaning mop like a staff.

"Severus!" cried Dumbledore. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Ah, Albus," said Snape, "I was merely working on my flying skills... for... the Dark Lord!"

"Ah!" said Dumbledore cheerily and moved along on his merry way.

Snape glanced around the corridor and, upon seeing nobody, shrunk into the shadows and wielded it; the thing that kept him sane, that kept a part of him separate from one bitter old man to another.

The mask slid into place.

He was once again... Argus Filch!

Cackling at his multiplication skills, Professor Caretaker Severus "Argus Filch" Snape continued down the hall, cleaning and assigning detentions to horny teenagers.

* * *

"Nay, I say to you!" Snape did say. "For I am a master at duplicity, and this does not vary from me to me. I am undetectable, even to myself."

Snape was glad indeed that he did not suffer from the same mental disorder as this Snape… But unfortunately, he did suffer from the same lack of hygiene.

"You sound severely unhinged, Snape," Snape told Snape. "I wish you would stop talking about yourself in the plural."

"I _am_ in the plural," Snape declared.

"I am far more interested in these alleged Snapes than in your petty grievances," Snape told Snape haughtily. "I demand to know where these other Snapes are."

"Well," Snape replied thoughtfully. "There are us. And there are about four Snapes on the Hogwarts grounds, including you—"

"Four?" Snape demanded, looking shocked; he couldn't believe he would have missed three other horribly hygiene-defunct men running around. Surely Snape would have attempted to clean them.

Surely, his nose would have detected the foul B.O. that he seemed to possess.

Snape nodded solemnly to Snape, who was still horrified at the thought that Snapes were polluting Hogwarts, and said, "I am many."

"Where are these other Snapes?" Snape demanded. "How could I have not detected them?"

"Well…" Snape said thoughtfully, rubbing his malodorous chin.

* * *

Severus Snape lived in a tree…

House…

It wasn't for lack of trying to get a proper hut in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. But for some reason, Snape's employers felt that he would be better served with a tree house.

Snape respectfully agreed…

To cut them off from his shipment of goods.

Snape was a smuggler, damnit! He didn't have time for greedy people trying to keep him from shipping illegal artifacts. No time at all!

Nay I say to you, Snape had things to steal and sell for four times their worth on the black market.

And he was damn good at it too.

Snape had found his niche as an independent buyer and seller of illegal/questionable goods. Snape enjoyed living on the darker side of society and enjoyed having enough money to buy himself out of trouble — considering he kept his full profit and not just a percentage — should anyone ever find his tree house.

As it were, Snape was not likely to be found by anyone, excluding his partners in trade.

Snape reached for his illegal, singing, cursed, Chinese teapot worth about three fourths of a million galleons and set it to boil on his one of a kind, golden, spelled-to-make-everything-taste-wonderful stove.

As the water in the teapot began heating up, he reached for a bottle of his contraband Dragonsbreath Vodka (illegal in most countries, only twenty-five bottles made a year — most of which Snape probably had in his possession); there was nothing like a bit of Earl Grey and vodka just before a big job.

Indeed, Snape had an important job tonight. Tonight, Snape had some illegal (to mermaids!) goods to receive and deliver. The shipment should be arriving soon…

The teapot began singing.

Snape cursed its timing… he was having an inner monologue here, damnit! Snape removed the teapot and reached for his bootleg Earl Grey.

The teapot had driven its previous owner insane… which drove the price of it up depending on which circle the product was presented in.

Yes, Snape was an expert in smuggling; he knew the ins and outs of the business, and knew just how to raise a price to the unreasonable level and get no haggling.

But Snape didn't smuggle for the money, nay, I say to you! He smuggled because it made all of his wasted years as a teacher seem as though they were worth something.

Snape's ability to glare and intimidate were very useful in the trade of smuggling… say nothing of his skills in multiplication.

The dumbwaiter situated in the trunk of the tree suddenly dinged and rose up to his tree house. The shipment to the mermaid colony was here.

Snape opened the dumbwaiter and pulled out a heavy box, and opened it.

The usual shipment… but wait!

No, it couldn't be! But it was!

_Melt Your Fingers Off_ brand cleaner! Banned in fifteen countries for high acidity levels, worth almost nothing, unless pitching to the proper crowd: normally, American mobsters looking for a creative way to kill enemies. This cleaner would clean anything, and failing that, it would melt the dirty substance completely.

Snape's heart skipped a beat.

This, Snape would keep for himself.

Placing the cleaner aside, Snape reclosed the box and stood, grabbing his balaclava. He had a shipment to make.


	3. Chapter 3

This chapter will conclude the Snapes at Hogwarts Collection...I believe...but yeah...

Thanks to everyone who reviewed for putting up with me and Timydamonkey's insanity...though you know you thought it was funny too...enjoy this chapter!

**_Chapter Three_**

Captain Snape was perpetually going nowhere.

Quite a feat for a professional sailor…

Noon and night, Captain Severus Snape piloted the HMSm Giant Squid in the lake at Hogwarts, and noon and night, Severus Snape got nowhere!

It was quite distressing to a man whose profession, until recently, had been hinged on perfection and precision. Such was the art of potions and multiplication — precise and perfect!

Snape stood on the deck of his mighty vessel; hand clasped behind his back, and stared out into the greenish depths of the filthy, smelly lake… Ooh, Snape's nose twitched with the need to clean every liter of that nasty, fish-reeking water—

"Sir! A heading?" First mate West called to Captain Snape.

"To the South, West!" Snape yelled to West.

West was a completely random first year Hufflepuff that Captain Snape had chosen shortly after being named captain to the Giant Squid. West had quickly cast aside his landlubber boots and became first mate and future captain of the Giant Squid.

Ah, how Captain Snape would have loved to have been in West's position when he was eleven.

"A heading, sir!" West called again.

"To the North, West!" Snape called out to the boy without looking away from the depths of the lake that he sailed day in and day out. The Giant Squid slowly propelled itself in the proper direction.

Captain Snape had a delivery to make to the mermaids; it contained basic staples of their diet: soda, potato chips, butter, beef, and chicken.

This was Snape's true calling: to sail aboard a giant submarine in the shape of a large aquatic, oceanic creature.

Aboard the HMSm Giant Squid, Snape was truly at home. He could feel the history of the many others who piloted the Giant Squid before him, such a great history the HMSm Giant Squid possessed. It filled Captain Snape with pride to know that where he stood now, hundreds of other completely random, forgotten people before him had stood. Countless faces forgotten as they shed their identity in order to delight and terrorize generations of Hogwarts students…

It was just like Snape's prior job… excluding the whole delight aspect.

Snape felt contentment well up in his chest before he reached for his mop once more and resumed his cleaning and de-scenting.

Snape was sure that soon, very soon the HMSm Giant Squid would reach its destination… finally. He couldn't quite figure out just why the Giant Squid couldn't reach the mermaid village. It made no sense…

"A heading, sir!" West called.

Snape looked up from his cleaning and saw they were about to crash into a reef.

"To the East, West!" Snape declared, and he pulled out a can of odor eater.

"Eastwest?" West exclaimed, "Sir, there's no such direction as Eastwest!"

"No, West, to the East!" Snape exclaimed, exasperated. "To the East…._West._"

"OH!" West exclaimed, looking shocked. "Of course, Captain Snape, to the East!"

The Giant Squid quickly fluttered in the correct direction.

Professor Captain Severus Snape was now going somewhere.

Apparently, not even stupidity can last forever.

* * *

Severus Snape ate babies for breakfast.

Commonly referred to by normal people as eggs, in case anyone doubted Snape's humanity. Not that anyone could tell Snape was human; he'd cast aside all humanity to live as a hermit in the middle of the forest and defend the precious creatures of the forest from evil beings looking to exploit them… like Voldemort, or Dumbledore, or poachers, or the food service industry… or any sort of industry actually.

Yes, Severus Snape was King of the forest, and as King of the forest it was his divine duty to destroy, indeed utterly annihilate, all invaders.

This was why Snape was camped out in the old battlements of Hogwarts, cannons and all, with his army of Leprechauns.

Snape took another bite of his very plain eggs… his nose could no longer tolerate any sort of spice, especially pepper. He looked down the table at his troops: over 150 Leprechauns strong

Unfortunately, Leprechauns, though being very clean, liked to heavily spice their food, and Snape's nose compelled him to clean the battlements of all smelly spices the Leprechauns may have brought along whilst on this holy mission… Not to mention the rancid smelling beer they all insisted upon drinking.

Especially at breakfast.

"Hair of the dog," one of the leprechauns had explained to Snape once, while downing a huge glass of beer.

Snape continued eating his eggs and listened to the Leprechauns converse in one loud, heavily Irish accented din. Of course, the large amount of bright Kelly green was just as loud as their voices… but Snape could never dream up more suited troops.

"Lord Snape!" One of the Leprechauns, on watch, called down to him. "We've sighted some squirrels!"

Squirrels could only mean one thing.

Professor King of the Forest Severus Snape stood up from his breakfast, and all the Leprechauns fell silent, suddenly serious.

It was time for Snape to carry out his divine duty, his great mission; it was time for Snape to defend the forest from all invaders…

And indeed, Snape would protect the forest from all invaders… even if it was Snape himself who did the invading.

"To the battlements!" Snape roared, grabbing his Kelly green cloak so that the leprechauns could tell him from himself. "I am invading!"

* * *

Very few people knew what encompassed all of Snape's time and energy.

But those who did admired him for his dedication, his bravery, and his conscientiousness.

For, nay I say to you, Snape's job was not easy or simple. And Snape was of a dying breed, for most were too scared to even attempt what Snape did by day and by night.

Indeed, Snape hunted and killed some of the most dastardly and dangerous creatures in the Magical World. Their numbers increased yearly, and for each one Snape killed to better the wizardly world, there were eight more born.

Snape's job was not easy and he risked many curses, many enchanted devices, many foreign lands where the creatures roamed and terrorized the natives, and most of all, Snape risked the bite of the creature.

Once the creatures bit, a person was cursed for all eternity.

Snape put his life on the line, daily, in order to ensure safety for men, women, and children the world over.

It was because of Snape's deep understanding of the dangers of the creatures that Snape hunted and killed the beasts.

It was because of Snape's own curse, his own scar of the telling bite that Snape fought the evils of this well-known beast.

Verily! It was because Snape was inflicted with the curse that he fought to eradicate the horrible beast!

It was because Snape knew the pain of being bitten by a Leprechaun the he became a Leprechaun hunter!

And Snape now knew where a large amount of the creatures resided, and was horrified that they lived so close to such a large amount of children. So it was Snape's duty to find and destroy the horrid creatures!

So after arriving in the Forbidden Forest, Snape sent out his sentries, the squirrels, to find out exactly where the beasts where so Snape could annihilate them.

Only to discover that they worked for himself! And thus this battle became more personal, for surely the Leprechauns had bewitched himself!

One of Snape's squirrels returned and began chattering away, telling Snape where exactly the Leprechauns hid.

Now, it was time to do battle.

Professor Professional Leprechaun Hunter Severus Snape stood, his cloak swirling dangerously behind him, his wand at the ready, and strode off to defeat the creatures that were the bane of his existence.

* * *

And for those who are interested, I would like to know who your favorite Snape thus far is...just a little poll...for future reference or something


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